Seven ways Windows 7 will outdo Apple


Not much is known publicly about the next generation of Windows, currently called Windows 7, but we’ve managed to uncover some exclusive rumors about Windows 7 and we’re most excited to share them with you. What’s really got us going is that finally it appears that Microsoft has gotten a clue and understands how to position itself and its products in the consumer market. Much of this is due to lessons learned from Apple. Yes, imitation is the best form of flattery. And there’s no doubt that Microsoft is sharing some love with Apple. The result, Microsoft tipsters are telling us, is to break from the chains of the IT world and make Microsoft a better Apple.

Here are seven ways that Microsoft is planning to out Apple Apple with the Windows 7 product line:

1. Better secrecy. Apple is the king of information control–only announcing products when they are ready to ship. This helps to build suspense and gives Apple the option of making last minute changes without negatively affecting anyone. So Microsoft’s new approach? As Steven Sinofsky has already indicated Microsoft won’t be announcing Windows 7 details early like they did with Longhorn. But this is only the tip of the iceberg We’ve learned that Microsoft is going to take this even further and not release Windows 7 details even after the product launches. How wild is that? Email sources are telling us that by doing so Windows 7 is sure to be the most untalked about product launch ever, leading to some of the best press ever for Windows. So clever.

2. Better naming Microsoft fully appreciates the fact that it hasn’t been very good with product names. They’re often too long, stale, and easily confused. So Microsoft decided to take a page out of the OS X book, and call the next version of Windows….drumroll….OS W. How cool is that!!?? We thought so too.

Rumor is that Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer is even getting into the act in order to one up Apple CEO Steve Jobs and is legally changing his name to Steve Careers. Not only that, Microsoft’s PR firm has hired an unknown, well-known writer to pen a sharp tongued blog titled “The Fake Steve Careers.” Can’t be more hip than this.

3. Simple by design We never thought we’d see the day, but finally Microsoft has come to its senses and agreed with Apple that single button mice are the only way to go. So the next versions of all Microsoft mice will all only have one button. For all of you Windows fans hooked on right clicking, don’t despair: All one button Microsoft mice will have a special, small button on the single mouse button which you can use for right clicking. That’s thinking different taken to a whole new level.

Now Microsoft isn’t content with stopping there though. No way. We’ve received exclusive details from a Microsoft patent application for a new single button keyboard. You can’t get any simpler than that. How does it work? The keyboard defaults to the letter “A” and then you simply press the key once again to select the letter “B”, twice more for “C” and so on. When you reach the desired letter, number or function key, you simply dwell for four seconds and whala you’ve typed a letter. Rumor has it that the Tablet PC team is all over this and is quite enthusiastic about this new keyboard design because finally it’s going to be faster to handwrite text than type it. Very, very elegant.

4. Better peripherals lead to better experiences Microsoft finally realizes that it needs to provide better support for the latest generation of hardware. Macs have their built in iSight cameras, for instance. Microsoft sees the wisdom of Apple’s way now and is going to require all Windows boxes to include Microsoft’s new XraySight. You don’t have to do anything to get it to work, it just starts xraying you when you first boot up Windows 7. Story goes that there is a tie in with Microsoft’s healthcare initiative and Microsoft will be sending all Xray scans to doctors throughout the world to check up on you. Should they see even the smallest hint of a problem, you’ll get a popup warning on your display. Quite impressive I’d say.

5. Better ad campaigns Microsoft has finally realized the value of a clever series of TV ads and has hired the ad agency responsible for the well known Apple campaign “I’m a PC, I’m a Mac” to style a series of ads for them. In particular, the new Microsoft ads will be geared towards encouraging people to upgrade from Windows XP to Vista. The bulk of the ads will feature two characters, one an aging man called XP, and the other a hipster called Vista. The spots, titled “I’m XP, I’m Vista,” will be running round the clock encouraging people to switch to the new OS.

6. Less is more Not everything is set in stone with Windows 7, however. Microsoft engineers, for instance, are experimenting with a mini version of Windows that takes the idea of min to the max. We’re not sure if it’s going to actually be Windows 7 or not, but we have learned it takes the idea of “less is more,” which Apple is applauded for, to an extreme. In this version of Windows, in fact, the Windows experience is all but trimmed down to a Start button, Notepad and Solitaire. No more archane command line windows. No more tree windowed Explorer windows to topple your layout of files. Just two basic programs. What about the web? Don’t worry, you can always download it later along with all your favorite classic Windows apps. Microsoft is still working on this part will all work though.

7. More frequent updates Of all the new Windows 7 details we’re most excited about this is the one. We already all know that Microsoft is committing to more frequent OS updates. That’s nothing new. But up to this point, we haven’t really learned how frequent, frequent is. Well, now we know. Whenever Apple ships, Microsoft will ship too. That same day. How much simpler can this be? Rumor has it that in fact, the first version of Windows 7 is going to be ready to ship at Apple’s WWDC this June.

We’re still looking to dig up more details about Windows 7 and Microsoft’s new Apple-inspired thinking. Stay tuned.

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14 years ago

Yeah, yeah. I know. It’s not that funny. Smile anyway. It’s good for you 🙂